The Doctor's Shorts
by tkelparis
Summary: A trio of stories that are meant to be silly. And a bit gross. No one assume that the Doctor would be immune to certain...issues a lot of females have with males. He is a bloke. An alien, but a bloke nonetheless. Here are the reactions of three different companions to the same situation.


Title: The Doctor's Shorts

Rating: T (some grossness)

Series: There's The Door! (for Part 1 only, the others are connected sequels)

Author: tkel_paris

Disclaimer: Did we ever hear anything about this aspect of Time Lords? No? Then still not mine.

Dedication: Um... Not sure anyone wants this one. I'll just blame my Muse.

Author's Note: A trio of stories that are meant to be silly. And a bit gross. No one assume that the Doctor would be immune to certain...issues a lot of females have with males. He is a bloke. An alien, but a bloke nonetheless.

**The Doctor's Shorts: Girlish Disgust**

**Started May 20, 2012**

"Doctor!"

Rose screaming his name – well, the one he told her and everyone else was his name – wasn't anything new. But hearing her scream in horror while on board the TARDIS? That was new.

He dragged himself out from under the console, tucked his brainy specs in his inside jacket pocket, and rushed to where the Old Girl said she was. He found her standing in the laundry room, staring at something in a bin.

She looked up at the sound of him running in. "What's that?!" she shrieked, pointing inside the bin – but keeping a good distance from it.

He looked in, and flinched. Why had the Old Girl let her in this part of the room? He sighed, and rubbed his face. "My used underpants."

She stared at him with eyes wider than a Slitheen's. "But...but... they're stained..." She couldn't speak, she was so disgusted.

He fixed an annoyed glare at her. "Not every species' liquid and solid waste looks like a human's. In fact, that's a very narrow view of the universe, Rose. And it's wrong to be offended because someone's waste comes out a different color!"

She stared at him in horror.

He groaned. "You knew from when you first set foot on the TARDIS that I'm an alien! Did you really think you could pretend that I'm just a human with a spaceship that looks like a police box?!"

Mouth trembling, she ran from the room. He sighed. He knew that look. She was going home, and was staying home.

Great, he was alone again. He'd have to go looking for a new companion. Should he ask Mickey if he wanted to get away?

Although, when Rose did leave, the Doctor wondered why the Old Girl's humming sounded more like satisfied snickering than anything else. It sounded like she was saying, you want a list?

**The Doctor's Shorts: Medical Oddities**

**Started May 21, 2012**

"Doctor!"

Martha shouting his name wasn't as common as it was a lot of his earlier female companions, but he wasn't used to anyone shouting on board. But, unlike when Rose shouted, this sounded like a shock that was also fascinated at the same time.

He listened carefully to the sounds of his ship, feeling a little suspicious. He now suspected that the Old Girl had driven Rose away out of revenge for his last self's death, which she blamed the girl for.

He had trouble blaming the TARDIS. He had intended to leave Rose behind, after all.

So he wasn't surprised to find Martha in the laundry room. He groaned. "Oh, what did the TARDIS show you?"

Martha turned her wide eyes to face him. "Doctor," she said, curiosity creeping in through her stunned manner, "are those...yours?" She pointed at a familiar bin.

He didn't need to look. He knew exactly what was in them. "Yes," he said flatly, waiting for her reaction.

She looked at him, looked back at the soiled items, and then back at him. She swallowed, clearly disgusted but her eyes were full of questions. "I'm probably going to regret asking, but what chemicals make your... waste products... look so different from a human's?" She waved her hand a bit, clearly not wanting to voice what she was seeing just yet.

He could tell that her crush on him was instantly over. Still, she was a doctor and she was always looking to expand her medical training. It was why she spent a lot of time in the infirmary, asking questions about the equipment and alien biology.

He would give her some answers. He just hadn't decided how much he would admit to. More than he wanted to, obviously, but he would try to keep it to a minimum.

**The Doctor's Shorts: Lessons to Learn**

**Started May 21, 2012**

"Doctor!"

It said so much that the Doctor immediately popped up from his repairs and rushed toward Donna's shout. It was hardly the first time she yelled his name on board. She wasn't afraid to raise her voice when she had a complaint, but it had become less common as the Old Girl provided for more and more of their ginger's needs.

Seemed his ship felt a vested interest in keeping Donna happy. He certainly felt it, too. He'd never felt so comfortable around a human. Hence his own eagerness to ensure she didn't have real cause to be unhappy.

As he rushed to where the TARDIS directed him, he found himself in a familiar place. No, he silently shouted at his ship, why did you let her go there?!

He got no answer.

Donna was waiting with her arms folded, foot tapping. "Explain that basket there," she demanded with a sharp tilt of her head.

He didn't need to ask which one. It was the same one that had freaked Rose out and killed Martha's crush. Oh, the underwear had been cleaned many times since, so it was fresh. He wasn't that much of a slob!

He cleared his throat. "It's the Gallifreyan version of a human's...soiled underpants."

She narrowed her eyes. "You mean to tell me that a Time Lord doesn't know how to wipe himself?"

He blinked. "You're not...disgusted?"

"Oh, I am! Soiled pants are disgusting, period. It's careless and disrespectful to those you live with."

He could only focus on one detail – the wording. "You're not...going to leave over this?"

She scoffed. "No! What's at home for me, anyway?! Besides, it's obvious that someone needs to teach you a few things that your teachers and parents clearly failed to. Off to the loo, Doctor! Time to learn how to properly clean after going."

He had never turned redder in his long life.

THE END


End file.
